WOW it has been way too long since i have written on this thing. i have missed too much crap it angers me, i could have had so many awesome posts....my stupid memory, I have been told by people, personal and professional to always have a pen and paper to write stuff down sounds good but i never remember the first steps.....I keep telling myself that iam gonna start writing things down with my moods as they happen so i can track and of course share my experiences. I would gladly share on here everyday if i remembered but i have to try and wright down or remember things happening because i always have so many diff things go on, i cant remember them all by the end of the day.
so when trying to figure out how i feel or whatever why does it feel like i am being discredited or like iam making stuff up because i cannot explain it or have a hard time explaining myself and emotions. people just look like they are dismissing what iam saying....first off, when people are compulsive liars and like to have the attention, they tell tall tales..you know the kind of person i am talkin about, just pissess me off so much, believe me if i was gonna lie about what was going on with me i would rattle it off and you wouldnt question if i was lying or not, but i dont, nope i try to be honest and just have a hard time getting the words out...yup, it pisses me off too that its hard for me.
you really find out who is really your friends and who you can trust and count on with family when times are difficult and you need support. not in the way of money but emotional support, just being there for you, helping with the smallest of things, but no not unless it benefits someone else....whats worse is you could could hire and pay would be more dependable and helpful then some so called friends and family....we all need people in our lives to cope, I thought I had friends, i have always had a very small group of friends, well not even a group mainly one maybe 2 or 3 at times. I like have only a few friends, seems better that way, less people to let you down. i guess.
anyways, over the years i realized something, these few friends i had at any given time were not really friends, not in my book anyways....sure they enjoyed your company and would go somewhere or do something with you at times, but its when you realize the only time you talk to them is when you call them, the only time you are at their house is when u basically invite yourself, when they did do something with you, go anywhere it was because you invited them. but i have always been so hell bent on having a friend i always accepted it that way. people claim to be your friend and yet its all a one way street for communication and stuff, the hell with that. there was a family that were friends with my family and we did some outings together, inviting them all the time over for dinner, bbqs, holidays, birthday parties, never one fukin invite from them, i take that back, the last 4th of july they couldnt make it for fireworks at our house, they had other plans, that is great, understandable, so they text us back little later saying those plans fell through if we still wanted to do something, then they changed plans again to someone elses bbq, they invited us to it, asked for the address, never got a response....thanks alot....finally said the hell with it, stopped calling a few people and ya know, never talked to any of them since, useless!!!!
Besides family, and a few people i met in a workout support group that live thousands of miles away, i have no friends....the people that i know from the support group have been more helpful then some friends i have had in person.....real nice......I have busted my ass so much for people and gone out of my way for them just for a slap in the face......
what i like is people that judge me and my family because they thin k they know what goes on, you have no fuckin clue, not even close, you dont care to learn, know or try to understand what my kids go through every day, what my wife goes through and what i go through, besides everything else i deal with, do you realize how hard it is to hold myself back from, yelling at you, from retaliating, from firing back with your pitfalls, just good ole beating the shit out of you. be forwarned, it will come out one day, it always does, some of the issues i have, you know the ones you try to discredit me as a normal human being, a good father, just because i have them, just plain ole crazy, well you are just the fuel to my big fiery ball of crazy and it is not pretty when it is released, it rarely comes out, but when it does, you can kiss your high horse and your pompous ass good bye. you have no idea how much pain i can handle and how much pain i can give when i lose control with no remorse, until maybe after it is done.....wow, i just got lost....anyways, yeah
I have had such a cold heart since i was a teen, it is still something i still struggle with at times but i have had more positives rising in my life lately and iam thankful for that.
i like the line, you either get "whats wrong with-enter physical disability here-" why do they look like that....well, they love halloween so much that i let them dress and wear masks all year long jackass.
or "well, it doesnt look like anything is wrong with you", well, i thought the same about you but apparently you are an idiot.. sorry for judging your cover.
heres a kicker, ignorant things i have heard from people talking about kids with adhd or autism and things of that nature...that stuff doesnt really exist, its just kids that need a good ass beatin, wich is probably what they got a little too much of when they were kids
another kick in the pants for me is i have had at least 2 counselors and 1 pdoc ask me, on sexual abuse and the person going to prison, well if you have no memory of it, how do you know it happend?........really????? and each time i am speechless, no idea what to say, just in shock.....NEXT!!
well i think i have vented enough for a couple hours, see ya again on the crazy side
-Geminis Revenge
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