I am so sick of these stupid fuckin people! oh, wait....it is my fault...its my fault i let you in, its my fault i keep trying to help, its my fault to care, everything that angers me about you all is my fault because i let it in. AWAKEN the beast....why are you so dumb and naive, I dont need you, i really dont. I have been on my own for 15 yrs without any help from you even when I needed it.
I can forgive, I can forgive you left and right but it will not save you from me. why do you underestimate me and what i will do, you should know better. you have seen it bad in the past, you have seen how it affects me and then affects you! guess what, its a hell of alot worse, I have better control now but I dont mind letting it slip when i need it to. no one has any idea the full potential of my rage. you have no idea what i hold, what i hide inside. the depth of darkness within my soul. GOD help the person if it ever gets out, because it cannot be controlled once its out.
you are sick and disgusting human beings, open your fuckin eyes because when it all crumbles, and it will crumble, you will have no one there, no one to turn to, no one that will trust you.then you might see a glimpse of how i have felt all these years and why iam who iam today. not just the darkness but the light as well. all that i have accomplished, all the positive things i do for others not just myself, you can hate all you want, gossip, rumors, lie, jealousy....
I dont care, dont you see that even when I did, it wasnt fully there...i had no reason too. you are all mindless sheep. I am cutting ties, your done. you can say and do whatever you want but my ears will not fall prey to your words. you can attempt to reach me in any way shape or form and you will get no response. I do not need your lies and manipulations in my life...
I do not need people like you anywhere near my family with your negativity. if you think i will get over it and come back or contact you, you are wrong.....see, lots of people have relationships with family, even if they dont, they will in times of crisis, people will miss family if they move out of state. I will not.
I am not that type of person. I miss my in laws more then i miss you or will ever miss you. I am comfortably numb from the years. you would be surprised at the things i can turn around and not care about, not one bit. you can have power over people or let people have power over you, thats your decision, its not a mistake because you always let it happen, its not a mistake. i leave you guys to rot in the holes you have dug yourselves. you will all destroy each other,
if you ever want to make amends, it will take a hell of alot of work and apologies for me to even look at you. and it wont be me you will apologize to because once again, i do not care, but it will be to Cindy, Hailey, Lauren and Camden. even if you want to go through that and forget your selfishness, at least 3 years will go by without a word from me. i am happy friends and family can be true to each other and be there for each other but in my eyes, family and friends are completely useless....Blood means nothing to me except for what i have chosen and what I have created from my own
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
DRAINAGE
Sometimes it bleeds fast sometimes its slow, but it looks so good to see the flow
Emotional numbness, pain inside, just more tissue that will soon die.
The feel of the blade as it glides across the skin, the line is made so precise and thin
After it opens and starts to bleed, pain and emotion are soon set free.
Only a second and it starts to bead, to watch the blood run is what I need
Its a rush, its a feeling that you are alive, cuz sometimes you feel so dead inside
It can quickly snap you back into reality, then you clean the mess of your own brutality
Why does it feel good and addictive the same, yet you must hide it with fear and shame.
It crosses my mind more then it should, I push it deep down till I feel it is good.
It all bottles up to almost no end, then it explodes to the cycle again.
-Geminis Revenge
Thursday, April 18, 2013
It really sucks to feel this way, its almost certain on any day
Just to find the middle ground, make my brain safe and sound
It starts out well like i could conquer the day, this is the way I wish it would stay
But something so small and random at best, sends me back down, another failed test
I spiral down different levels and depth, sometimes will do what I will regret
And as i fall, my anxiety shoots up, as the volcano starts to erupt
It drains my energy like I haven't slept, irritated and agitated I have to accept
The sounds and actions normal and true, turn to anger and boiling stew
I hate feeling this way and the people I hurt, yet i cant seem to stop as my brain and evil flirt
I wish i could stop and hold it at bay, but it seems forever it will stay
Sometimes i can escape and turn it around, but most of the time its my face to the ground
Its seems when it starts i become addicted, meaner and meaner until the spells lifted
Stay out of the path, destruction is near, all people in general I try to steer clear
It's the inner demon that I always fear.
-Geminis Revenge
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Ok that one didnt really happen |
ok so this is a true story that was recently brought up by wife..it was a few years back and I was walking fast down an aisle in walmart by the apparel section. some of you know how fast I can walk sometimes..Anyways, Im moving along and I got a quick glance at this guy and I thought to myself, wow that guy looks mad...I saw him again like 10 sec later...stopped in my tracks and looked...it was me passing by the little mirrors they have by the clothes...I have been told before that I looked really mad but I am in fact happy..just not aware of my facial expressions i guess, but never actually saw it till then...kinda freaked me out
Dear
Walmart: why do you insist on putting slow cashiers in the speedy
checkouts? It kinda defeats the purpose. Also, a piece of advice, when
all 5 of your checkout lanes have a massive line and then you decide to
call more cashiers to the fronts, you just pissed everyone off. Learn
to see these events before it becomes a problem. Thank you in advance-
Best regards, 80% of your customers.
P.S. when you have a 40ish
cashier going the same pace as her 80ish customer and likes to jabber
her jaws and put my raw chicken on top of my other food without any
protection seems like a good candidate for door greeter
Out of the darkness arrives such a soul,
where it is headed, he just doesn't know.
He wants to be free he wants to let go,
all of the pain that continues to grow.
he pushes, he fights, for the light of his soul
He gets put down as he beats himself up,
he tears and he fights, but still he is stuck.
He runs to the light, to family and friends,
but soon discovers its all a dead end.
He tries to get back to that happier place,
just so some people can spit in his face.
Deep down he knows all is not lost
but sometimes feels, his heart is just frost.
He has some close, with actual love,
he knows of the light from heaven above.
Where does his soul go when his light turns to black,
and why is it so hard, to find his way back
-Geminis Revenge
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
evils of craigslist
WHY WHY WHY do people feel the need to post animals in the free sections? it specifically says not to post animals right next to the button that u push to post in free section. not sure why but it pisses me off to no no end...it aggrivates me so much and its enough to make me elevated.....its just a constant thing that drives me crazy, then when it is flagged for removal, they dont understand why....there is a specific place for pets, and people specifically go there to sell or buy pets, makes a hell of alot more sense to do it that way, but it will never end so neither will my flagging..
then there are the people that ask for items in the free section, there is also a diff place for this but probably not as good, but they r too lazy to watch and reply for free stuff they are needing...i always see people looking for the simplest things that are constantly free on craigslist even boxes, i need boxes, please contact me if u have any while 2 posts down there are listings for free boxes and they do it throughout the day
then there are the people that ask for items in the free section, there is also a diff place for this but probably not as good, but they r too lazy to watch and reply for free stuff they are needing...i always see people looking for the simplest things that are constantly free on craigslist even boxes, i need boxes, please contact me if u have any while 2 posts down there are listings for free boxes and they do it throughout the day
info
so true!!!!!
The Plotter is Gemini's paranoid shadow. He's a plotter not because he plans things against others, but because he's convinced everyone wants something from him, and he works out long convoluted ways of not giving it, whatever it might be. His characteristics are chronic evasiveness and often chronic lying; and he's also been known to deliberately try to trap you while you're attempting to pry into his secrets, so that he can justify the fact that he's busy hiding. This is a really difficult face of Gemini to deal with, and it stems from his sense of emotional alienation. Because he has a problem relating through feelings, he often can't trust; and he'll deny even the simplest confidences to another person because he's convinced that, if you know to much, you've got control of him. Gemini at best is playfully evasive, and doesn't like a lot of prying and probing. Gemini fallen into his shadowy side is extremely difficult, because he's capable of being extremely hurtful and using the pointed darts of his nimble tongue to shame you into silence when all you were doing was showing interest. And when the shadow side of Gemini surfaces, you can't take anything he says literally, because more likely than not it's meant to be a red herring so he can go on concealing something which he doesn't understand.
With both sides of the Gemini shadow, the same difficulty lies at the root. It's the problem of the opposites, and of finding a way to live them both. Gemini, when he's lost in his divine child side can be charming but a hopeless sponge on others' money and time. He takes for granted the fact that he's entitled to Special Exemptions. As he gradually comes to realize that he must also live in the world and submit himself to boundaries and responsibilities, he grows and changes, and can bring some of his lighthearted trust in life into everything he does, brightening the lives of those around him. When Gemini is lost in the earthbound side, he fears life. He often tries to analyse it to pieces in the hope that he'll be spared from hurt, and develops a profound mistrust of other people's motives. He loses his sparkle, and simply becomes cunning. As he gradually discovers something worth loving inside himself, something that makes him unique and different, he can open up a little, because he doesn't feel so horribly vulnerable. And whether he's your local newsagent or John F. Kennedy, another Gemini, he will have managed to hold the bridge between two realms so that others can come across and taste a little of both worlds.
The Plotter is Gemini's paranoid shadow. He's a plotter not because he plans things against others, but because he's convinced everyone wants something from him, and he works out long convoluted ways of not giving it, whatever it might be. His characteristics are chronic evasiveness and often chronic lying; and he's also been known to deliberately try to trap you while you're attempting to pry into his secrets, so that he can justify the fact that he's busy hiding. This is a really difficult face of Gemini to deal with, and it stems from his sense of emotional alienation. Because he has a problem relating through feelings, he often can't trust; and he'll deny even the simplest confidences to another person because he's convinced that, if you know to much, you've got control of him. Gemini at best is playfully evasive, and doesn't like a lot of prying and probing. Gemini fallen into his shadowy side is extremely difficult, because he's capable of being extremely hurtful and using the pointed darts of his nimble tongue to shame you into silence when all you were doing was showing interest. And when the shadow side of Gemini surfaces, you can't take anything he says literally, because more likely than not it's meant to be a red herring so he can go on concealing something which he doesn't understand.
With both sides of the Gemini shadow, the same difficulty lies at the root. It's the problem of the opposites, and of finding a way to live them both. Gemini, when he's lost in his divine child side can be charming but a hopeless sponge on others' money and time. He takes for granted the fact that he's entitled to Special Exemptions. As he gradually comes to realize that he must also live in the world and submit himself to boundaries and responsibilities, he grows and changes, and can bring some of his lighthearted trust in life into everything he does, brightening the lives of those around him. When Gemini is lost in the earthbound side, he fears life. He often tries to analyse it to pieces in the hope that he'll be spared from hurt, and develops a profound mistrust of other people's motives. He loses his sparkle, and simply becomes cunning. As he gradually discovers something worth loving inside himself, something that makes him unique and different, he can open up a little, because he doesn't feel so horribly vulnerable. And whether he's your local newsagent or John F. Kennedy, another Gemini, he will have managed to hold the bridge between two realms so that others can come across and taste a little of both worlds.
Been too Long!!!!!!!
WOW it has been way too long since i have written on this thing. i have missed too much crap it angers me, i could have had so many awesome posts....my stupid memory, I have been told by people, personal and professional to always have a pen and paper to write stuff down sounds good but i never remember the first steps.....I keep telling myself that iam gonna start writing things down with my moods as they happen so i can track and of course share my experiences. I would gladly share on here everyday if i remembered but i have to try and wright down or remember things happening because i always have so many diff things go on, i cant remember them all by the end of the day.
so when trying to figure out how i feel or whatever why does it feel like i am being discredited or like iam making stuff up because i cannot explain it or have a hard time explaining myself and emotions. people just look like they are dismissing what iam saying....first off, when people are compulsive liars and like to have the attention, they tell tall tales..you know the kind of person i am talkin about, just pissess me off so much, believe me if i was gonna lie about what was going on with me i would rattle it off and you wouldnt question if i was lying or not, but i dont, nope i try to be honest and just have a hard time getting the words out...yup, it pisses me off too that its hard for me.
you really find out who is really your friends and who you can trust and count on with family when times are difficult and you need support. not in the way of money but emotional support, just being there for you, helping with the smallest of things, but no not unless it benefits someone else....whats worse is you could could hire and pay would be more dependable and helpful then some so called friends and family....we all need people in our lives to cope, I thought I had friends, i have always had a very small group of friends, well not even a group mainly one maybe 2 or 3 at times. I like have only a few friends, seems better that way, less people to let you down. i guess.
anyways, over the years i realized something, these few friends i had at any given time were not really friends, not in my book anyways....sure they enjoyed your company and would go somewhere or do something with you at times, but its when you realize the only time you talk to them is when you call them, the only time you are at their house is when u basically invite yourself, when they did do something with you, go anywhere it was because you invited them. but i have always been so hell bent on having a friend i always accepted it that way. people claim to be your friend and yet its all a one way street for communication and stuff, the hell with that. there was a family that were friends with my family and we did some outings together, inviting them all the time over for dinner, bbqs, holidays, birthday parties, never one fukin invite from them, i take that back, the last 4th of july they couldnt make it for fireworks at our house, they had other plans, that is great, understandable, so they text us back little later saying those plans fell through if we still wanted to do something, then they changed plans again to someone elses bbq, they invited us to it, asked for the address, never got a response....thanks alot....finally said the hell with it, stopped calling a few people and ya know, never talked to any of them since, useless!!!!
Besides family, and a few people i met in a workout support group that live thousands of miles away, i have no friends....the people that i know from the support group have been more helpful then some friends i have had in person.....real nice......I have busted my ass so much for people and gone out of my way for them just for a slap in the face......
what i like is people that judge me and my family because they thin k they know what goes on, you have no fuckin clue, not even close, you dont care to learn, know or try to understand what my kids go through every day, what my wife goes through and what i go through, besides everything else i deal with, do you realize how hard it is to hold myself back from, yelling at you, from retaliating, from firing back with your pitfalls, just good ole beating the shit out of you. be forwarned, it will come out one day, it always does, some of the issues i have, you know the ones you try to discredit me as a normal human being, a good father, just because i have them, just plain ole crazy, well you are just the fuel to my big fiery ball of crazy and it is not pretty when it is released, it rarely comes out, but when it does, you can kiss your high horse and your pompous ass good bye. you have no idea how much pain i can handle and how much pain i can give when i lose control with no remorse, until maybe after it is done.....wow, i just got lost....anyways, yeah
I have had such a cold heart since i was a teen, it is still something i still struggle with at times but i have had more positives rising in my life lately and iam thankful for that.
i like the line, you either get "whats wrong with-enter physical disability here-" why do they look like that....well, they love halloween so much that i let them dress and wear masks all year long jackass.
or "well, it doesnt look like anything is wrong with you", well, i thought the same about you but apparently you are an idiot.. sorry for judging your cover.
heres a kicker, ignorant things i have heard from people talking about kids with adhd or autism and things of that nature...that stuff doesnt really exist, its just kids that need a good ass beatin, wich is probably what they got a little too much of when they were kids
another kick in the pants for me is i have had at least 2 counselors and 1 pdoc ask me, on sexual abuse and the person going to prison, well if you have no memory of it, how do you know it happend?........really????? and each time i am speechless, no idea what to say, just in shock.....NEXT!!
well i think i have vented enough for a couple hours, see ya again on the crazy side
-Geminis Revenge
so when trying to figure out how i feel or whatever why does it feel like i am being discredited or like iam making stuff up because i cannot explain it or have a hard time explaining myself and emotions. people just look like they are dismissing what iam saying....first off, when people are compulsive liars and like to have the attention, they tell tall tales..you know the kind of person i am talkin about, just pissess me off so much, believe me if i was gonna lie about what was going on with me i would rattle it off and you wouldnt question if i was lying or not, but i dont, nope i try to be honest and just have a hard time getting the words out...yup, it pisses me off too that its hard for me.
you really find out who is really your friends and who you can trust and count on with family when times are difficult and you need support. not in the way of money but emotional support, just being there for you, helping with the smallest of things, but no not unless it benefits someone else....whats worse is you could could hire and pay would be more dependable and helpful then some so called friends and family....we all need people in our lives to cope, I thought I had friends, i have always had a very small group of friends, well not even a group mainly one maybe 2 or 3 at times. I like have only a few friends, seems better that way, less people to let you down. i guess.
anyways, over the years i realized something, these few friends i had at any given time were not really friends, not in my book anyways....sure they enjoyed your company and would go somewhere or do something with you at times, but its when you realize the only time you talk to them is when you call them, the only time you are at their house is when u basically invite yourself, when they did do something with you, go anywhere it was because you invited them. but i have always been so hell bent on having a friend i always accepted it that way. people claim to be your friend and yet its all a one way street for communication and stuff, the hell with that. there was a family that were friends with my family and we did some outings together, inviting them all the time over for dinner, bbqs, holidays, birthday parties, never one fukin invite from them, i take that back, the last 4th of july they couldnt make it for fireworks at our house, they had other plans, that is great, understandable, so they text us back little later saying those plans fell through if we still wanted to do something, then they changed plans again to someone elses bbq, they invited us to it, asked for the address, never got a response....thanks alot....finally said the hell with it, stopped calling a few people and ya know, never talked to any of them since, useless!!!!
Besides family, and a few people i met in a workout support group that live thousands of miles away, i have no friends....the people that i know from the support group have been more helpful then some friends i have had in person.....real nice......I have busted my ass so much for people and gone out of my way for them just for a slap in the face......
what i like is people that judge me and my family because they thin k they know what goes on, you have no fuckin clue, not even close, you dont care to learn, know or try to understand what my kids go through every day, what my wife goes through and what i go through, besides everything else i deal with, do you realize how hard it is to hold myself back from, yelling at you, from retaliating, from firing back with your pitfalls, just good ole beating the shit out of you. be forwarned, it will come out one day, it always does, some of the issues i have, you know the ones you try to discredit me as a normal human being, a good father, just because i have them, just plain ole crazy, well you are just the fuel to my big fiery ball of crazy and it is not pretty when it is released, it rarely comes out, but when it does, you can kiss your high horse and your pompous ass good bye. you have no idea how much pain i can handle and how much pain i can give when i lose control with no remorse, until maybe after it is done.....wow, i just got lost....anyways, yeah
I have had such a cold heart since i was a teen, it is still something i still struggle with at times but i have had more positives rising in my life lately and iam thankful for that.
i like the line, you either get "whats wrong with-enter physical disability here-" why do they look like that....well, they love halloween so much that i let them dress and wear masks all year long jackass.
or "well, it doesnt look like anything is wrong with you", well, i thought the same about you but apparently you are an idiot.. sorry for judging your cover.
heres a kicker, ignorant things i have heard from people talking about kids with adhd or autism and things of that nature...that stuff doesnt really exist, its just kids that need a good ass beatin, wich is probably what they got a little too much of when they were kids
another kick in the pants for me is i have had at least 2 counselors and 1 pdoc ask me, on sexual abuse and the person going to prison, well if you have no memory of it, how do you know it happend?........really????? and each time i am speechless, no idea what to say, just in shock.....NEXT!!
well i think i have vented enough for a couple hours, see ya again on the crazy side
-Geminis Revenge
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